The day is at hand

Somewhere in the middle of this chaos called the first semester of seminary, I began to fit in. I think I might be at home here, and for anyone who knows me, this takes the form of being outrageously busy. Case in point, my day today:

7am: Advent Bible Study
8am: Youth Ministry class (make important comment about why we teach our boys different things then our girls)
9am: Shower
9:30am: I am exhausted. Nap.
10:40: Vagina Monologue Auditions (did I mention I'm co-directing the Vagina Monologues next semester?)
11:40: Church History
12:40: Power Nap
1:20: Lunch and meeting with Preceptor who thinks I'm smarter than C=M.Div.
2:00: 1 Page Exegetical Appetizer
2:25: Leave for Work
2:35: Dunkin' Donuts stop and 4th cup of coffee for the day
3-6pm: Work with kids answering questions like "What is volume?" and "What sound does 'ch' make?"
6:30pm: Group project planning.
7:30pm: More vagina monologue auditions
9pm: break to process w/Kelly about group project.
10pm: Prayer group.


So somewhere I became busy and my life started here. It's weird because it is so all of a sudden, in the way we are told Christ will come back to us. I've also been thinking about how Seminary is like 4 years of Advent instead of just 4 weeks. We all seem to be waiting for our lives to really start. Yet, I think my day today proves that mine has. My day was full of ministry and Christ's presence. No it wasn't perfect. I was frustrated, I didn't get some things done, I'm not fully prepared for tomorrow, but I think I lived out my calling today in a real and tangible way and I don't often feel like I can say that. It gives me hope. It makes me love others. It renews my faith.

The Women in my Life

During this time of reflecting on things we are grateful and thankful for, I am thinking about the many women pastors in my life that are so important to me. There was a time growing up when I didn't know that women could be pastors because I didn't know any. Now, I am blessed to be surrounded by so many, in big ways and small. This week I want to highlight 3 who have been and continue to be influential in my ministry.

They are, in the order in which i met them:

The Rev. Can Crusher: This woman is who I list always as influential to my calling. She was able to see something in me that I could not see for myself, namely that there was a place for me in ministry. Through her I learned that "normal" people (in the best sense of the word, in the wine drinking, swearing, laughing too loud sense of the word) could be pastors. I continue to be inspired by her bold acts of social justice.

The Rev. Southern Belle: This one is not so easily covered up or disguised as the lady herself is never camouflaged, but is always 100% herself. Many of you will know who I'm talking about. So many important lessons were learned from this friend: Yard sales make the best therapy, any and every occasion requires lipstick, and we all need sweets to keep our strength up sometimes. More importantly, though, I learned (and continue to learn): how to carry a family, church, group of strangers, and whole community through a disaster, how to say what needs to be said, put my hands on my hips and say "So there.", and how to make each person you talk to seem like they are the only person in the world at that moment (I'm still working on this one.)

The Rev. Has All the Answers: Now, I'm sure this lady would emphatically say that she does not have all the answers, but luckily for me it seems like she does. From the moment I met this woman, she has been nothing but on my side. She cannot jump through my hoops (that are on fire by the way) for me, but she stands right next to them cheering me on. She also challenges me to actually feel things, not just think about them, which is hard, hard work for me but very rewarding. I look forward to seeing how this relationship develops.


I also want to mention all the women that will be Pastors in my life. I am continually amazed at all the gifts and talents the women here (and not- shout out, Linda!) have and will bring to future congregations. I know they will do amazing things for God and will be inspirations to so many.




The Divine Image
by William Blake


To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love,
All pray in their distress:
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

For Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love,
Is God, our father dear:
And Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love,
Is Man, his child and care.

For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity, a human face:
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Then every man of every clime,
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine,
Love, Mercy, Pity, Peace.

And all must love the human form,
In heathen, Turk, or Jew.
Where Mercy, Love, & Pity dwell,
There God is dwelling too.

C=M.Div.

This phrase, "C=M.Div" is one I came into contact with early on at seminary. The idea is that one does not need straight A's (or B's) in order to graduate and become ordained. No one in your congregation will ever ask what you got on your systematic theology midterm. As long as you pass, it's all good.

This is troubling for those of us who have always gotten good or near perfect grades. I don't know how to turn my brain off so that I can destress a little and accept a B or C, and yet, I have to because there are classes where the professors very clearly say that an A is impossible.

All my education reason and rationale tells me that the learning should be enough, that a grade based on who wrote the Didache and when and were they wearing socks when they did is not important, but it is important that I get big concepts in our church history like early Trinity discussions.

So I'm working through this. The question is ultimately, "To stress or not to stress?". If my work is an offering to God, does God care if I get a C? Or does God care that I leave my room sometimes and have a glass of wine down the hall or go to the gym?

Also, because I'm starting to see how God likes to make fun of me, I'm sure wherever I go to church this Sunday, the preacher will mention the Didache.

Have I mentioned how much I love kids?

Today at the after-school program, I was sitting by one of my favorite kids. We were coloring. She asked if I was going trick or treating. I said that instead I was going to a party on Friday, even though it was after Halloween. Then, like a 40 year old who's been around the block once or twice, she said, "That's better, cause then you don't have to worry about having to come home early." She's 9, and probably my new best friend.

A New Lease on Life

Last week I had off from school for reading week. Everything was going pretty well- I was getting work done, seeing friends, and even getting some rest in.

UNTIL...

I came down with the worst stomach virus of my life. However gross you think it was, think 10 times grosser. After canceling a much anticipated dinner party, I spent two days lying in bed, in and out of consciousness. It seemed that I could not remember a time when I wasn't sick. I thought I had been born throwing up.

And then somewhere around the 48 hour mark things started turning around and by Sunday night I had made an almost full recovery.

While I may be overstating the depth of my brief illness, it really did make me appreciate just feeling good. I'm trying to carry that into this stressful time at school, as we're all struggling to study and get papers done in a very short amount of time. Yet really, nothing is all that critical. I'm doing my best, without giving up my life and that seems to be working out so far. I know this rosy disposition won't last, especially for me, but I thought I'd mention it to you maybe so you can look at what's causing you stress, and how important that really is.

As my Boston kids used to say, "It ain't that serious."

Happy Halloween!

Just Sayin

Ok, before I move on to some happier subjects, I just have to say, it is NOT right to tell someone, "You are so tall, you should stand in the back" and then make said person get up and move after everyone's already sitting, therefore causing a ruckus, all because secretly you just want to sit in the front. I recognize that in certain tones of voice or in certain contexts it might be fine to tell someone that, but in this case it wasn't and it made me mad.

I do not tell vertically challenged that they should carry around the Manhattan telephone book to stand on so they can be normal.

In my mind, Jesus is 7 feet tall and all the disciples are tiny, and he constantly has to duck to get in doorways and stand in the back of group photos, thereby covering his fabulous outfit.


Ok, moving on.

I'm doing much better than last week. I also appreciate everyone's concern. Part of what's been helping is getting involved with things on campus which allows me to do real things and work at things I'm passionate about. Also, I'm meeting people with the same interests.

Also, my youth ministry class took a retreat to Camden this weekend which was really good spiritually. We visited Urban Promise, an agency working with Camden kids to give them leadership skills, a better education, and lots of Jesus. It really helped put perspective on what I'm doing here- that there's something amazing at the end of the tunnel.
If you're interested, here's the Urban Promise website:

http://www.urbanpromiseusa.org/

Also, I said something smart in Exegesis class yesterday. Yay!

Truth Be Told

The name of this blog is also the name of one of my favorite Blues Traveler albums. More on this in a moment.

Today, Mrs. S., the woman I work with at the after school program in Trenton, told me I was helpful and that she was really glad I was there. That was the first time in a while that I had the sense that I was really supposed to be here.

Because, truth be told, I'm having a hard time here.

This was compounded by my visit to Mississippi this weekend. I saw all the people who changed my life in amazing and profound ways, and returned to a place where I found myself in many ways.

So far, this place is not like that. I'm trying really, really hard and still don't feel at home. I'm lacking deep relationships (except K who I love, if she's reading) and haven't laughed really hard in a while. The classes feel irrelevant and Princeton feels like a ridiculously small bubble.

And the worst part is I don't know how much of this is me and how much is the school, how much I need to change.

One of the best parts of my day, aside from Mrs. S's comment, was my field ed. meeting. For those of you outside the "loop", basically we're meeting with advisers already to start talking about our internships. I realized later that this was so great for 3 reasons. 1. The woman was really awesome and seemed to "get" me within a few minutes of talking. 2. I can't wait to work again! I'm itching so fiercely for some real-life application. 3. I can't wait to get out of here. I want to travel and see more of the world.

Tonight my Mom asked if I was questioning what I'm doing. Rest assured, I'm not. I just wish there was any other way to get there.

Maybe I just need a nap.

Or maybe like Traveler says,

"Yes, I'm all prepared but in the face of it all I get just the littlest bit scared."

So, right or wrong, truth be told, that's how I'm feeling.